Just when I thought I had survived menopause…
The hot flashes.
The mood swings.
The mysterious aches and pains.
The inability to remember why I walked into a room…
…my doctor hit me with five words I never wanted to hear.
“We need an ultrasound… internally.”
Internally?!
I swear my legs crossed on their own.
Now, if you’re a man reading this, congratulations. This is where you should probably stop. Go mow the lawn or something. This conversation isn’t for you.
For the ladies…
You know exactly what I’m talking about.
The transvaginal ultrasound.
Or, as I like to call it…
The World’s Most Invasive Selfie.
I arrived at the clinic thinking this would take five minutes.
Instead, I was handed a gown the size of a napkin and told, “Everything off from the waist down.”
Why do they always say it so casually?
Like they’re asking you to remove your jacket.
Then they leave the room, giving you approximately 12 seconds to get undressed while trying not to make eye contact with the chair in the corner that’s silently judging your life choices.
Then comes…
The wand.
Calling it a “wand” is the biggest marketing scam since “diet ice cream.”
When I hear the word wand, I’m thinking Harry Potter.
Expelliarmus!
Not…
“Well… this is awkward.”
And can we talk about the amount of gel?
Good grief.
It looked like they were preparing to lube up a canoe.
The technician was lovely.
Very kind.
Very professional.
Meanwhile, I’m lying there staring at the ceiling, trying to count the holes in the acoustic tiles because making eye contact with anyone at that point just seemed inappropriate.
Then she says…
“I’m just going to put a little pressure here.”
Ladies…
When has a little pressure ever actually meant a little pressure?
Never.
Not once.
The entire time I kept thinking…
“I really hope she’s finding something interesting because if I’m going through this, somebody should at least be entertained.”
The best part is the silence.
They’re looking at the screen.
Click.
Click.
Click.
Typing.
Click.
And you’re lying there trying to read their face like you’re on a game show.
Was that a good click?
A bad click?
Too many clicks?
Should I be worried about the clicking?
By the end, I was ready to ask, “Can I see the pictures? If we’re taking family photos, I’d at least like to approve them.”
Then it was over.
She smiled and said…
“You’re all done.”
Really?
Because emotionally, I don’t think I’ll ever be all done.
The good news is these ultrasounds are incredibly important, and they help doctors make sure everything is okay.
So yes…
They’re worth doing.
But I still think women deserve a medal afterward.
Or at the very least…
A coffee.
Maybe a donut.
Definitely a donut.
Because menopause is already rude enough.
It doesn’t need to send a camera crew in after it.
Growing older certainly keeps life interesting.
One day you’re buying anti-aging cream…
The next day you’re scheduling a date with The Wand.
Nobody puts that on their vision board.
